Its a Mental Thing!

If you ever talk to me I'm sure I seem fairly normal but the more you get to know me the more you would realize that I'm not really that normal at all. But whose to say what normal is really? So I guess I'm not what my idea of normal is and I'm totally okay with that. : )

My brain seems to work on overtime and I'm not just talking a little over time I'm talking....if I was paid for the amount of overtime my brain does I'd be a billionaire! Besides working on overtime me and my brain seem to jump back and forth when it comes to taking sides on any sort of issue. So if I ever talk to you or you read something I wrote and I go on and on about feeling one way about a topic don't be mad when we chat later on and I've totally changed my opinion.

Anyways that being said.....I think being happy is a mental thing! I don't believe in depression although sometimes I think I feel depressed. (See why I told you about my brain?) Having gone threw a lot of stuff this past couple years I've finally decided that its time to be happy. I've wasted way to much time being angry or sad. I guess when I say that I should let you know that when I get angry or upset I don't get mad for days and hold grudges. I get super mad, like slamming doors and throwing stuff, this can last for a few minutes to a few hours. Then I nap and I wake up and I'm totally good. Usually I wake up and I feel bad for having gotten so upset because I'm really mean to my family when I get like that. It makes me feel even worse that not only was I really mean but it was over something so dumb I shouldn't have even been mad in the first place! I could go on about this for a long time so we'll just leave it at I have anger issues : (

So where was I? Oh yeah.......having decided to get happy actually has been working for me. I'd be lying if I told you that I never got mad because I still do. I've just managed to gain a little bit more control over it. I've also gotten a lot better at the apologizing after I'm mean thing. I don't like saying sorry because that would mean admitting that I was wrong in the first place when a lot of the times the issue that caused me to get mad I wasn't wrong about it was just the extent to which I blew up that I was wrong about. Does that make sense? I also don't like to apologize because you can only hear sorry so many times before it looses its sincerity and at the rate I freak out SORRY would be a very popular word in my vocabulary. I know it sounds bad but I try to limit my sorrys to when I really feel that I was in the wrong. So....having gotten better at controlling my temper and apologizing I've been a lot happier. I think its because a lot of the things that were making me unhappy where all in my head....or well maybe not all in my head but they had to do with a lot of the stuff going on in my head....confused?

Before I was angry because everyone thought I was so horrible. This is not something I'm used to! People usually like me and I get a long with just about everyone so when I come across someone that doesn't like me it bothers me a lot. I know, I know not everyone will like you! But when you go from getting along with everyone to having everyone think your the biggest bitch they've met well thats kind of horrible. I think for a long time I was in denial which made things even worse. Having people not like me made me angry at my sister because they all thought she was so great. Which made me even angrier because she's just as mean as I am she just does it on the down low so people think she's sweet. I still think that people don't realize she is mean but I've learned that most of my problems I brought on myself.  It wasn't fair to blame her for people not liking me. People didn't like me because I was a bitch! As much as it pains me to say it I was horrible to be around. Looking back I wouldn't have wanted to hangout with me either. I was bitter and always had something to complain about. Who wants to be around someone that does nothing but complain?

The more people told me how horrible I was being the more I tried to deny it or turn it around so I could tell them that they're in no place to judge me when they're just as bad as I am. I didn't like being told I was a negative person or that I always complain. It made me feel bad because thats not how I am at all. In fact my friends used to mess with me because I was abnormally HAPPY all the time! So after hearing it enough I decided that being unhappy was all on me. I was making myself miserable and it was up to me to fix it!

So now I've decided to get happy and its working! I go out with my sister and its a lot more fun...we laugh a lot. I go out with my brother once in awhile and we don't argue or anything we just chat and its fun too. I can be around all the people that I felt didn't like talking to me and be nice and friendly and we get a long too. Choosing to be happy also makes work a lot more pleasant! I still have a little ways to go but so far choosing to be happy is working out great. : ) It really is all a mental thing!